(A)Dad

Where the hell have I been & Summer Birth Family Visits

2010-08-26T22:03:00.001-07:00

Hey Y'all, so I haven't written for a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time. I can't really go into it but the truth is that this last period of my life has been one of, if not the most difficult emotionally strenuous, intense, and wearisome months of my life. I can only take it one day at a time, try to do the next right thing, and do the things that nurture my soul so that I can continue to love and serve my family amidst it all, a wise man told me that you can't give what you don't have. I'm learning to listen, trust, and wait in new ways and I have found that the whole experience is forcing a reboot of my inner man if you will. Today I find myself in a much more united body, mind, and soul place but I know that I have only begun the marathon that will be the rest of my life. The same wise man told me "progress not perfection." So I take it day by day and trade old destructive behavior for the positive life giving activities of exercise, prayer, and time with friends. Whew. Well enough about me.

Things never really worked out to visit Firefly's birth father, Kevin, but Hero and I know that down the road when the right situation presents itself we will be ready to make the connection. As a family we went on a road trip out of state and just happened to be passing through the town that Kevin's mom lived in. We had had a good phone conversation with her and so called her up again and asked if we could swing in for a visit and maybe have a meal with her. It turned out great. We met her husband, her sister, and by the end of the visit Firefly (Our super shy daughter) even let her Grandma hold her, give her a hug, and take some pictures with her. The highlight was at the restaurant when Firefly sat between Hero and Grandma and listened to her sing song after song. Firefly smiled the whole time.

Towards the end of the road trip we were able to meet up with Puppy's birth dad, Ray, and spend the morning with him at an amusement park which was a blast. Later that day we met Kelly, Puppy's birth mom at a community park where we all played in the water fountain together. It was great and good to reconnect.

A couple of pictures of our kids with their birth family from our visit have been posted on Hero's website. Go check them out. I believe they are password protected but she gives the password to anyone who asks.

http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/

Hope your summer ends well and that you join me in taking the time to be super thankful for the things that we do have. Its all just an abundance of blessing.

Reaching Out: An Update

2010-02-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

Well so far things are going well. Firefly's birth dad received the card today and called me right away. I only got his message but it seemed warm and he was eager to see Firefly. I'm hoping to call him back tonight and get something on the calendar.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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Also, Hero recently let me know that (A)Dad was listed as one of 101 Best Blogs on Adoption, Loss, and Infertility. Her blog, www.produtionnotreproduction.com was also listed. Now it made me feel two things when I heard this. One, wow, how neat it is to be included. Then two, dude, why is mine on the list? My theory is that there are not a lot of male points of view on adoption blogs out there, but I'm not sure. I visited some of the other blogs on the list and they were quite thoughtful and excellent. Still the fact that some are finding what I right meaningful motivates me to continue.

Thank you all.

The link to the site is and the full list is:
http://www.growninmyheart.com/101-best-adoption-loss-and-infertility-blogs

Reaching Out

2010-02-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all, here's my once a year apology for being the lamest and most infrequent blogger you know....

Things have been crazy, I've been working my tail off taking on additional responsibilities at work, I just finished coaching football for a team of 15 year olds (we lost all 9 of our games but had a great time together) and I'm getting ready to coach a track and field team off high school boys and girls in a month, its going to be a blast. Through it all I've done my best to drop my work at 5pm and hurry home to spend the time that Puppy, Firefly and Hero deserve. I'm forever grateful for them.

In the adoption world, things are a bit foggy right now. Its been important to Hero and me that we put in the time and effort to establish real relationships with our children's birth parents now while we are in the beginning of their lives believing that it will pay big dividends to their healthy well being in the future. Our adult relationships with their birthparents will hopefully evolve into relationships that they can enjoy and thrive in as they grow up.

Unfortunately, it's just not always that easy. One of the birth parents, Firefly's birth dad, has been distant from the start, but recently has expressed an interest in time with her. I think he sees the relationship we've created with Firefly's birth mom and maybe feels that he's entitled to the same relationship right now. Now it is my hope that we can have a similar relationship with him, but unfortunately we don't, largely due to his choices so far.

So this month it is my goal to take the baby steps necessary to move our relationship with him in that positive open direction. I've tried calling him on his cell and I seem to be unable to get through, so now I'm going to send a postcard with my cell number on it. We'll see if it works. If all goes well and we have a good phone conversation, we plan to drive to his town and spend some time with him by the end of the month. This month Firefly turns two, oh my goodness.

I anticipate a whole lot of awkwardness and a real need for trust to be established. Here's to family not always being easy, but always being family. I'll keep you updated on what happens.

Tonight I will drink a tasty local microbrew in honor off all parents who work through those awkward moments and conversations for the love of their children. May your pursuit of openness bring you all a healthy sense of belonging and wholeness.

200% Dad

2009-08-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

So funny thing, I'm hanging out with Beth, Firefly's Birthmom, and she asks me about Ray's recent visit and how that was for me. Get that, the birthmom of my adopted daughter asking me how I'm doing emotionally after a long sustained visit from the birthdad of my adopted son. Only in an Open Adoption. :-)

I shared that this visit was great and I loved to see the two (Puppy and Ray) bonding and spending time together. I told her that the time that was tough for me was the previous visit a year ago. Ray had come out and was having a great time and Puppy was really warming up to him. On day two of the visit I came down stairs to see them playing together and Ray very tenderly patting Puppy's head and reaching over to kiss him on his temple.

I froze. I started to sweat. That's how a dad is supposed to interact with his son. But that's my son, I'm the dad. These thoughts swirled through my head. I took a step down the stairs. Wait, I thought, Puppy does have two dads. Yeah, I'm the one who does the parenting, but he gets his DNA, his biology, his nature, probably most of his personality from the genetic mix that is 50% Ray. At that moment I knew with my heart (I already knew this with my head) that Puppy would always have two daddies and that they both loved him dearly. I knew with my heart that I would never be all of his daddy because there were certain special things that only Ray could be ( a link to his biological history, for example).

I loved Puppy so much, how could I ever get in the way or discourage his little mind and heart from exploring and enjoying all 200% of his daddies. With that in mind I've felt free to love Ray as family and embrace him as part of Puppy's daddy experience. Yeah, I'm Dad, but Ray is Birthdad and that part is mega special. I'm grateful that we can help Puppy know and enjoy him.

I was glad to be able to share that with Beth.

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For all of those who have left comments on my few posts, I am extremely grateful. I've responded to many of your posts in the comments section of each post.

Ray's Visit - it went great

2009-08-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

So last night Puppy and I took Ray to the airport. As Ray was packing his bags to go, Puppy and I wrote a letter for him to take home, and we wrote on the letter "Secret Message: For Ray's Eyes Only - You can't open until you are on the plane." After a brief conversation about what we could put in the letter Puppy dictated this simple message.....

"Thank you for coming and visiting us, Ray. We will miss you when you go."

After saying those words he snuggled up real close to me and his eyes filled with tears. He made his little scrunched up face and I could see he was struggling to say goodbye.

After an hour in the car we got to the airport. I could tell Puppy was really sad, but he was trying to keep it together. It was too much for him to get out of the car to give Ray a hug goodbye so he hugged him from his car seat. As I got out Ray's bags Puppy said "Where's the letter? Where's the letter? Open in now, open it now."

So Ray did and thanked him for it and gave him another hug. As we drove away from the airport Puppy cried for 10 minutes straight then covered himself with his blanket for another 15. After a stop at a gas station for a potty break and a granola bar snack he was doing better.

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Why am I a fan of open adoption? Because Puppy knows Ray and considers him family. I saw Ray watch Puppy as I was at practice for 3 hours and all they did was wrestle, play with the football pads, and have a great time. Puppy got to take Ray fully into his world of legos, swing sets, sand boxes, trains, and cars. They laughed, hugged, and played non-stop for 3 days straight and I got to be with them and share in the joy.

I came home from practice the second day around 1pm and they were both still in their jammies trying to make a lego crane. Ray kept rubbing Puppy's long blond hairy head and Puppy just soaked up all the attention.

Why do I believe in Open Adoption? Ray and I talked as we walked Puppy to the park with the fountain that Open Adoption doesn't take away the pain of adoption, but it gives it the air it needs to breathe and heal. Family looks different, but family is still family.

Thank you Ray for a great 3 days.

A trip to the airport...

2009-08-22T22:25:00.001-07:00

So tonight at dinner I asked Puppy if he wants to go to the airport with me tomorrow night and pick up Ray (his birthdad). It will be a late night for my three year old but not too crazy late. We should get back before 9pm. Its going to be his perfect little night. We'll probably get a Happy Meal on the way, and go greet someone who is flying from out of state to just see him. We've had a lot of visitors this summer who have spent a lot of time with him and he's loved it. I feel there is something different about this one...maybe I'm just reading into it, but it feels like Puppy knows Ray is his special visitor.

The plan is a bit crazy, so I'm hoping for the best. On Monday Hero works and so Ray and I will wake up early, drop Firefly off at the babysitter's, but Puppy, Ray and I will then go off to practice. I'm coaching football at a local high school and we are in the middle of summer camp. Ray is up for it and he's going to play with Puppy for those 2.5 hours where I'll be focused on the team. I'm nervous because that's a lot of time to keep Puppy occupied. If my little guy can't handle it and just melts down...we'll figure something else out for Tuesday.

Before he went to bed tonight Puppy says to me "This week I don't have to go to Natalie's [his babysitter] because I'm going to practice with you and Ray!"

Ray will stay with us until Wednesday night and something tells me that this is going to be a real significant visit for Puppy as he gets older. I'll let you know how it goes at the end of the week. Here's to open adoptions, an extended family, and fun with three year olds.

Funny What You Remember

2009-08-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

So Hero read my last post and told me that I had completely ignored/forgotten/put out of my mind all the drama that followed us sending Firefly's birthdad the photo's of her 6 months ago. She is right, to say that last time it went positively is a bit...well it just ignores the actual events that transpired...you know what I'm saying.

Without going into the details of what happened last time, I hope that time has presented a cleanish slate and hopefully the possibility of a better relationship with him. Send us good wishes, prayers..and happy thoughts.

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We also happen to be a family divided. I have grown this insanely ugly and scratchy beard, lets just say Hero does not like when I ask for a kiss. Puppy likes it and when I lay next to him in bed he reaches over and scratches my chin. Its kind of sweet. He wants me to keep it. What is a man with an ugly beard to do? Any advice on this delicate matter would be cherished. :-)

Back in the saddle

2009-08-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

Hey world,
Writing just hasn't been that relaxing for me these past couple months, as you can see. But I've got some thoughts and remarks worth sharing, I think. Here goes.

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Firefly is gorgeous and has the most beautiful brown eyes. All she wants to do is hold on to my finger and walk everywhere. Especially up and down stairs. We've got her birth mom coming over in two Fridays, she'll spend the night and go home Saturday. I'm really excited for her to see how much Firefly has grown. I'm also excited for her to experience Firefly's emerging personality. I'm loving it. Some spunk, some love of performance, a definite sense of "HEY!!! I'm right HERE!!" If you can catch my meaning.

We have had very little contact with Firefly's birthdad, but I've got his address and we sent him photos 6th's months ago. Hero thinks its about time we send him some more, so....that's the goal for this week. Send him some photos and a little note. Last time he responded through Firefly's birthmom very positively and sent some little books up for Firefly about princesses and all that.

Here's to another shot.

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I'm at church yesterday and one of our community (mind you he's not the brightest in the world, but he is an adult and all that) asks me, "My, she's dark. Are you sure she's not adopted?"

As I just fall apart laughing (on the inside) about the million things that I find funny about this statement...

"Oh Sh!t, she is adopted and I did it by accident...what was I thinking?"

"Sir, do you actually believe I could adopt somebody without knowing it?"

"Dude, it is a genetic impossibility that our biological daughter would look like Firefly, are you on crack?"

etc.

I respond matter of factly "Actually both of our children are adopted."

"Oh, I didn't know." Was his response.

And I walked away with Firefly clinging to my ring finger walking next to me chuckling to myself.

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Puppy's Birthdad comes up this Sunday night for a 4 day visit. I hope it goes well. Hero has to work and so we're going to drop Firefly off at the babysitters and PD and I will take Puppy to football practice. I coach a team at the local high school. We'll try it on Monday and see how it goes. I'm worried that my 3 year old boy wont be able to be occupied with PD for the 2.5 hours of practice. But there's a park and we'll bring toys and all that...We'll see. I'm hoping it will be bonding for them.

Puppy and I were talking about how Christmas is after Thanksgiving in the car today when he asks me what Thanksgiving is about. I tell him its when we celebrate all that we are thankful for. I mention my folks and Hero. Unprompted he says "I'm thankful for PD." Pause. "And I'm thankful for PM too. " I tell him so am I.

When a Hero comes along

2009-01-25T21:49:00.001-08:00

Someone asked how I met Hero. Here it is in bite size morsels.

Episodes of the Hero Courtship:

(Scene 1) There she was, walking through the large wooden door. Shy smile, denim baseball hat, and the softest blond hair I ever saw.

(Scene 2 - Europe) I'm trying to get adolescents excited about the Olympics, and she stands up to lead a game. The quiet woman speaks. Hmmm, she's a good communicator, imagine that.

(Scene 3 - Africa) We're playing gin rummy after an afternoon of playing with kids at an elementary school. She wins, I win and we are having fun. We talk about the future. She sees herself making a difference in young people's lives. I'm totally digging her.

(Scene 4 - Southern California) I'm still in college but shes out. I've got a serious crush on her, I mean a frickin' make-you-sweat- hear-voices-in-your-head-heart-beat-racing-when-I-see-her sort of crush. But life keeps her at arms distance......oh, the pain.

(Scene 5 - Pacific Coast Highway) We're driving up the coast on our way to go camping with some friends. She smiles, we talk. We decide to become boyfriend-girlfriend. We hold hands, my heart beats like a race horse. Life is perfect.

(Scene 6 - the Pacific Coast, north of Malibu) 2 years later, we find ourselves alone on the beach. She baked a pie and brought a picnic lunch. She asks me if I would have the honor of asking her to marry me. I take out the guitar and sing her a song, we laugh and cry. I mistakenly go down on both knees and take out the ring and begin to propose. I open the box and she realizes that I am proposing, but was thrown off by the double knee action. She laughs and makes me start again. I get it right the second time and she says yes. We laugh and cry some more. Then get some stranger to take our picture.

We have almost been married a decade now, and it gets sweeter each year.

Great Questions and a 3 year olds strong statements

2009-01-14T22:09:00.000-08:00

So in my last post I asked if there were any questions you all might have and I got some great ones.
1) How did Hero and I meet.

2) Do you feel that adopting children has made you a better Dad.. than if you had children without adoption? ....when it comes to your fears as a adoptive parent (if any) are they more your fears or your wife's fears. Were you both on the same page of wanting open adoptions with your children's first parents?

Awesome. Its going to take some time to give true and complete answer to these, but my mind is already formulating.

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So I'm giving Puppy and Firefly a bath, Hero was gone at a meeting, and feeling like I was doing a fairly good job, despite flying solo. I had Firefly out, in her jammies, greased up, and hair twisted and it was time to pry Puppy and his wrinkly toes from the luke-warm water.

"Ok Puppy, do you want to get out now, or in 1 minute?"

"NO!! In One SECOND!!" He emphatically states.

"Ok."

20 seconds go by.

"Alright, your second is up, time to get out."

"NOOOOOOOOOO, 3 seconds. 3 seconds I said." He pleads.

Tonight as I told him it was 8:30 and time to get ready for bed, he grabbed my watch and insisted that it was "3:40", "see?" as he made me look at my watch.

I love how time is relative to a 3 year old. I have found when I worry about time and being productive when I'm with him I'm constantly frustrated and feeling antsy. When I can let go of time and just take in all that he brings with his personality and perspective, I can't help but crack up.

Happy New Year - Questions anyone?

2009-01-02T00:40:00.000-08:00

So we begin a new year. I can't stop thinking about how I need to be a more healthy eater and exercise regularly. I'm excited about this year, because I think it will be one where our family gets into more of a groove as Firefly gets a little older and more independent. I do believe she crawled for the first time this vacation, and I'm pumped up about it. You go girl.

Today we watched the Rose Bowl in our matching USC t-shirts. Daddy's little girl. (Puppy had grown out of his, it was the one Firefly was wearing.) Puppy was in his football long sleeve shirt and couldn't decide if he wanted to root for the red team or the white team. He just likes it when daddy yells at the TV. He joins in. Its fun. Even Firefly will clap with us. A very cute sight if you get a chance to see it.

So I'm curious, are there questions you guys have? I feel like often I don't know what to write, so if there were any particular topics you are curious about, please let me know.

Happy New Year.

loudest kids in church

2008-12-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

Puppy and Firefly are awesome. We took them to the Christmas Eve service at our church, and Pupy dressed up for his part. All the kids took on a role in the nativity and Puppy decided he would be a rescue angel. His outfit consisted of some pretty fly silver wings that I made from construction paper, aluminum foil, and strapped to his body like a backpack via old shoe strings. I was very proud of the setup, and he wore them around the house hours before we went to church. He would run circles around the kitchen-living room-dining room like he was flying. It was great.

He completed his costume with a large amount of mardi-gra beads, green froggy rain boots, a fireman helmet, and groucho marx glasses and nose. We're talking serious angel business here. When we got to church he added a tinsely halo to the helmet. It made me smile to see his creativity flourish and see him take ownership of his costume. I also got a kick out of the idea that his concept of an angel was so unique. Thats my boy.

So we get to church, the pastors tell the nativity story. As they are introducing Mary, Puppy in his high pitch super loud voice (he only seems to have one volume) keeps going on and on saying...

"Where's Joseph? Is that Mary? What about Joseph? Where's Mary? Where's Joseph?"

I try to keep him quiet by drawing pictures of his favorite Thomas the Tank Engine Trains all over the church bullitens which only somewhat works, because he seems to have questions that he projects to the whole congregation after anything changes up front. Finally they invite all the angels up front to proclaim to the shepherds the good news and Heather walks him up to the front row and that is as far as he's willing to go. So for the rest of the service he sits with her, watching the 20 kids up front who are angels, wise men, shepherds, while he pleads with her to take him up so he can look at the baby Jesus.

All this is going on while Firefly is standing on my lap cooing and gaga-ing at such a volume I could swear that no children in the world are as loud as mine.

When the service ended Heather took Puppy up to see baby Jesus. They returned and she looked at me and we had to laugh.

"Did you get a word of what the pastors were saying?" She asked.

"Not one," I replied.

We smiled, looked at our children, and just shook our heads. Like many parents our inspiration this season comes from the gifts and the constant laughter our children bring us. May we all journey through life with the faith, joy, and peace of our children.

Merry Christmas.

Smokies and the boy

2008-12-23T09:00:00.001-08:00

Puppy (3 years old) was served two little smokies (small breakfast sausage), a hardboiled egg, a cup of milk, and a frosted Christmas cookie for breakfast. He finished the cookie, the smokies, had a little milk, then went upstairs to grab some additional smokies on his own. I had left the bag on the counter. He came downstairs with two more and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Puppy, you cannot have any more smokies until you finish your egg.

Puppy: I'm not going to eat them, I'm just going to put them on my plate.

Me: They can be on your plate, but you have to eat your egg first
(he proceeds to put a smoky in his mouth)

Me: I'm going to take those smokies away if you don't eat your egg first

Puppy: But I don't want to eat my egg.

Me: I love you to much to argue.

Puppy: (under his breath) I don't love you.

Me: Why don't I hold those smokies for you.

Puppy: (taking off with the smokies) Wheeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
(five minutes later - Puppy returns)

Me: What happened to the smokies.

Puppy: I put them back in the bag.

Me: Did you really put them bag in the bag.

Puppy: (looking away and slightly under his breathe) Yes.

I went and put the smokies away. May your breakfast episodes be as fun as ours.

2 accidents in 10 minutes

2008-12-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm from California, I'll admit it, and I'm still learning to drive in the snow. We' ve had an unusual amount in the last two days, and as Heather Firefly and I went to join Gma, Gpa, and Puppy for pictures with Santa, chaos ensued.

We're driving down a small hill, barely 15 mph, baby in tow, when my brakes work but the car doesn't stop. "I'M NOT STOPPING!!" I foolishly yell, Heather thought I was refusing to stop, and we slide head first right into the big pickup that was waiting at the stop sign. Other than a dented bumper and a bruised ego, everyone was ok. Luckily we hit an 18 year old who was happy his parents gi-normously big truck was fine and not an older couple cozy in their gas efficient but dentable Prius.

So I take a right at the stop sign, thinking I'm driving slow enough down the big long hill to the main street, when suddenly the truck veers right. I don't understand it, my wheels were facing STRAIGHT! I hate the snow.

So we smack the curb, scrape up the fancy wheel rim on my truck, but survive. The tire continues to hold air so we continue on with our journey and manage to see Santa, some pretty lights, and go out for tasty Mexican. I didn't hit anyone else or run into any other immovable objects. I was so excited. I decided that sense I drove successfully (not hitting anything) on 3 of the 4 legs of the journey, I am a winner.

I probably owe that to a frustrated wife who had to talk me through all the finer points of driving in the snow. She tells me its all about shifting down to slow down, rather than depending on hard breaking, and that when breaking I should pump my breaks. I think she should have been driving. But now I know, and "Knowing is half the Battle, " as they used to say on my favorite afternoon tv show.

Paint Nicholas and Snow Ball Fights

2008-12-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

First, I want to apologize for being such a lame blogger. My wife is such a master at writing touching and moving items, that I felt if I didn't have something great to say, I shouldn't waste every one's time. But I'm going to try to not be so serious about what I write, we'll see if it sticks. Wow, I'm lame. Anyways....

This morning Puppy informed me that Santa Claus has a different name. His friend told him that Santa is called "Paint Nicholas." Of course I tried to tell him that its "Saint" Nicholas, but he would have none of it. My 3 year old is an expert already. Mr. Paint's favorite color is Red I'm told and he likes to paint things when he gives gifts.

This week we've been snowed in, and as a school teacher I haven't had to go to work. So Puppy and I worked on our Snow Angel ability, tried to build snow toddlers out of fresh powder, and learned to put chains on our pickup. There is nothing like playing in the snow with a little guy who is full of joy and wonder. My buddy told me to not get lost in the fact that he's so small that we can't throw the ball back and forth. But I should focus on enjoying the stage that he's in. So yesterday our snow ball fight consisted of me making a snow ball and throwing it at him. He laughed and laughed and laughed. Then came, "Daddy make me one." So I made him one and he tried to throw it at me. It would never really hit me, but I faked it every time and fell in the snow with much theatrics. We had a blast.

Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy the season.

Why is your skin brown?

2008-11-23T07:42:00.000-08:00

We knew that when we adopted Firefly, who is African American, we were beginning an exciting yet challenging journey. I knew it would provide some unique challenges for our son, Puppy, who is now a high energy 3 year old.

Since the town that we live in is only 1% African American, we have been hard pressed to find opportunities where Firefly was not the minority. My hope is that throughout her life, she will see that her parents have close friends who look like her, their are professionals in key roles like teacher, pediatrician, dentist, etc. who look like her, and that in different social circles in which we operate, there are large groups of people who look like her. We are going to try to do that were we live, but if we can't we are going to have to move.

So we've frequented an African American church in town over the last couple of months, and have been warmly received by the congregation. There is no child care during the sermon so the kids just bring their toys and coloring books and keep themselves occupied while the adults sing passionately and vociferously follow the preachers sermon.

Puppy brought his trains and was doing a somewhat decent job of sharing with the kids sitting next to us, when he touched the for-arm of a little girl and said, "Why is your skin brown?"

I was mortified. We were surrounded by people of color and I had no idea how they would feel about Puppy asking this question. The girl had much darker skin then Firefly, so I began to wonder if he even saw her skin color as different than his?

When we went to go "potty" half way through the sermon I tried to get him to talk about it. I asked him about his skin, and launched in to a highly persuasive and informative talk about how we get our skin color from our birth parents and that all people skin are different shades of brown, his was just a very light brown, kind of a peachy color. He latched on to the idea of peachy skin, bounced down the hallway and stopped listening to me when he got excited about standing up to go potty. The toilet at home is to large for this purpose while the urinal at church stretches all the way to the ground. Very exciting for a newly potty trained 3 year old.

Realizing I know longer had his interest or ear, I reflected on all the reasons he would ask this question and what he was trying to figure out. So what do you all think? If your kid asked this question, what would you say? I'm looking forward to reading your ideas.

Thanks in advance.

The emotions of the future

2008-10-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

A week ago, I had a heart to heart with Puppy's birth dad, PD. I had called him with a random question late one evening. What I thought would be a throw away conversation turned into something else. Instead of two guys saying "waaaaz up" we had the most honest and raw conversation we had ever shared.

Tears were shed on both sides as fears for the future and plans for the present were discussed. In everything we talked about, it was clear that caring for Puppy was number one in both of our minds.

PD touched my heart that night as he opened up about Puppy and his hopes for Puppy in the future. I wanted to just reach through the phone, give him a big ole man hug and tell him that Puppy was so lucky to have him. I did my best with words.

I've heard people say that open adoption is too intense for them. That they couldn't handle opening their lives to other people in that way. Well, it is totally intense. It is an emotional rollercoaster. But I wouldn't trade any of that for the times I've had to get to know PD, learn about how much he cares for Puppy, and know that much more about where my son comes from.

I can't wait until Puppy is old enough to go fishing with his two dads.

Why I love being an adoptive dad #1

2008-09-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Coming home from work early to play with the kids.

A blanket, a baby, a two year old, and a roll in the front lawn.

Playing catch with Puppy for the first time using real baseball gloves.

Bouncing Firefly on my lap while she smiles and makes her "OH" face.

Sharing with FM all the wonderful things about her daughter.

Seeing FM sit on the floor with Firefly as they play and play and play.

A year ago, I met my daughter's birth mom..

2008-09-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

So about a year ago I met Firefly's birthmom (FM). I remember walking into the room with Hero, nervous as hell. I had felt relaxed all the way there and the drive hadn't bothered me at all. But as soon as we arrived, when I realized that there was only a wooden door between us and our potentially future family member, my insides began turning cartwheels.

There's something about openness in adoption that makes me think of marriage. You get the spouse, but the inlaws are part of the package. With openness you are entrusted with a child to love and to raise, but you are also called, for the child's sake, to bring their parents into their circle of love and family as best and as real as you can.

When you commit to openness its a commitment to so much more than parenthood. Its a commitment to open your life to a whole new family. If our own families weren't as crazy and jacked up as they could be, here you are uniting with another clan, full of their own bumps and bruises.

Its crazy to think about it, but as I was getting ready to walk into that room, it was like meeting a person who would be vitally integral to my family's well being for a long time to come. Talk about pressure. I sure hoped we got off well.

I believe there is a window of opportunity when you just meet somebody. You can set the tone for the relationship you are going to have. You can be real, vulnerable, open and honest, or you can remain aloof and communicate that you are only willing to do the minimum. This belief also made me feel the intensity of the moment, as I knew we had an opportunity that I didn't want to let slip by. I wanted to establish some things that all of us would need down the road. No pressure.

The time went well, there were lots of tears, smiles, and hope for the future was there. Since Firefly has come home with us, we've been able to see FM about once a month, and we are driving out to see her this weekend. Firefly has grown and changed so much with each passing month it has been great to see FM interact with her at each stage and enjoy her beautiful changes.

One of the first times we went out to see her FM made a picture frame with butterflies and buttons, and the word DREAM. It has the cutest picture of the two of them in it, from Firefly's first month, and it sits at the end table next to her bed.

It means a lot to me that Firefly will know that from the beginning FM was alongside, an important and loving part of her life.

I need a Hero

2008-09-03T21:05:00.001-07:00

So Hero has gone on a 3 day work trip, leaving me with full parenting duties. The night time ritual has taken twice as long, mornings are a quick banana and a jump in the car, and I've gotten to try my skill at managing Firefly's curls. I'm doing ok, I guess. But gosh I miss her.

There's something about being away from your partner, where you have to do it all, when you are reminded of how deeply dependent on that person you really all. I also don't know how single parents do it. Man, they have my utmost respect.

I hadn't made one day and we were having dinner at McDonalds. But I promise tomorrow I'm making spaghetti and a salad. I did get Puppy the apple dippers and had him eat a peach when we got home which he devoured. There is something about him and fruit, he loves it like I love fine microbrews.

Here is to our partners, the ones who keep us sane, the ones we love. May they always know how precious they are to us.

Why I love being a dad

2008-08-27T22:10:00.001-07:00

So today I'm at work, and amidst playful banter one of my coworkers said "T can't do it, he'll be to busy playing with his kids..." I guess I'm nurturing a reputation as an involved dad, I'll take that as a compliment. But anyways, I'm a lame blogger, for reals, because I haven't posted since the 12th. I'm sorry, I just feel like I have nothing to say sometimes.

But I do love being a dad. Tonight, after a very energetic game of T-ball, Puppy and I went on a walk to see the tractor down the street. We stopped every 5 feet or so to pick up special rocks. They are the smooth ones. We saw cats, sticks, and brought home a pocketful of rocks that were carefully deposited in the sandbox in back. At one point he was sitting on the sidewalk, slowly un-velcroing one of his cargo pockets on his awesome little cargo pants so he could make sure he took all of his rocks home.

On the way back we held hands, well it was just him holding my finger, and inspected a couple of rock gardens that had large smooth rocks. Unfortunately, we had to leave those rocks there.

It was after dinner, it was slightly breezy outside, and it took us 30 minutes to walk 10 houses down the street and back. It was awesome.

I love being a dad.

My folks are comin' over for a visit

2008-08-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

So in about an hour, my folks and my dad's mom are arriving for a 4 day visit. I'm excited, but nervous. Nervous, because they drive Hero crazy. Any one relate?

Last time they were here we started talking politics (big mistake) and as she began to get frustrated with my parents, she politely said "you know, for the sake of family harmony maybe we should change the topic of conversation," to which my dad ignored and went on a 15 minute explanation for why people don't warm up to Hillary Clinton. Yeah, lets hope for a better visit this time.

I just try to remember its all about the grandkids. BTW, Great Grandma T will be seeing Firefly for the first time, so maybe you all could pour one out for the multi-racial family harmony that we all hope for.

My freaky imagination

2008-08-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm curious if any of you are like me in this way. My problem is that mentally, sometimes I can't but play out the worst situations in my head with my kids. It freaks me out, and I kind of shut down for a while.

This week I heard on the radio a story about a family that had rented a vacation home, and before they had been there long, a 2 person light plane had a problem, crashed into the vacation home killing both on the plane, and the three children. I think their ages were 8, 10 and 13. First the story broke my heart. I feel so much for the family and I hope they have a strong community around them to support them through this terrible time. But then, I kept feeling or thinking about my own kids, and asking the question in my head, "Could that happen to us? Will that happen to us?"

For the next 3 days I couldn't help but be overcome by morbid thoughts of terrible things happening to my children and then trying to process all the emotions that it would bring. It's like the terrible thoughts just draw me in and I have no choice but to mentally play them out to their conclusion. I even imagine how I would explain the tragedy to their birth parents. Then I shake my head and try to realize its all in my imagination and I don't need to get bogged down by it.

When Puppy was a little less than one we were at the beach and he was in the water with Hero. A wave knocked him under and she reached in to grab him. Now he was only under water for a maximum of 2 to 3 seconds, but they were the worst 3 seconds of my life. I was so far away (probably only 20 meters) that I wasn't able to be an instant help, but by the time I was in the water he was shivering in his mom's arms and everything was cool. Still, I can't tell you how many times I replayed that situation in my head and imagined the worst. WHY DO I DO THIS? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? Sorry about raising my voice, I just get so frustrated myself with these intensely morbid imaginations sometimes.

Well, I hope you all are more sound of mind than I am, but can anyone relate to this?

Working with All-Star

2008-08-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

I got some good feedback from my last post about dealing with my all-star athlete who questioned my daughter's ethnic identity.

I brought it up because Hero shared information from a blog titled Harlow's Monkey where a woman reflects upon transracial and transnational adoption. The link that I will include at the bottom of this post tells about a summer camp where many parents thought their kids hadn't experienced much if any racism, where in actuality they had, and were very aware that they had.

I guess I'm getting the feeling if I want Firefly to be able to talk to me about things that are said to her, I need to model that I am equally affected and cognizant of those kinds of remarks. I can't be satisfied with just being not a racist, but I have to be anti-racist. Speaking out against harmful remarks, not letting things go by unquestioned, making sure that what is said around my daughter builds her up, not tears her down.

My hope is that if she sees that it is my issue as well, she'll know that it is safe to talk about it as she comes into contact with it when I'm not around.

About All-Star, the athlete who I discussed in the previous post, I'm happy to report that I worked with her all season, being as consistent and honest with her about the attitudes and work ethic that she brought to the team, and she made some great improvements. The assistant coaches on our team made a point to let me know how nice she was to be around by the end of the season. She would say hello to me in the halls of the school (she never did that the year before), and when it came to the big state competition she sought me out for additional practice which helped her achieve 5th in the state in her sport. Very exciting for both of us, and it was nice to do it together.

Thanks to all of you out there for helping me think through this situation. Harlow's Monkey can be found at:

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2008/07/taking-off-the.html

not black (enough?).... how do I respond?

2008-07-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

So I coach boys and girls high school sports and just love it. When Firefly was born, I took 5 weeks off to stay home and bond. During that time I brought her to practice, where my athletes were able to see the little girl I had talked so much about. It was great. I felt like I got to model healthy parenthood for them and the team loved seeing her. They knew our story of open adoption, and that Firefly was multi racial.

One visit, an athlete asked about her ethnicity, and I said she was black (a more accurate response on my part would have been "she's multi-racial"), that day I wasn't up to a long discussion about ethnicity. My star all-league senior girl came over and took one look at her, and then in a tone of disgust, proclaimed "she is not black." and walked away.

Now my All-star does describe herself as black or African American, and can be very disagreeable at times. She has a habit of ripping on others in a loud voice for all to hear. But this was my daughter, and I was the head coach, and both the content of what she said and her tone just pissed me off.

I think I retorted with a frustrated barrage of "well misses know it all, what makes someone black? is it how dark a person is? We all know that's not true. I tell you what her birth dad is as black as your dad, so what does that make her?"

I didn't really care if she was listening, because this athlete doesn't listen well anyways, but I needed her to know I was upset and that she needed to be more careful with what she said about Firefly if she was going to be on my good side. I also wanted all the athletes surrounding us to understand that what I thought she said was not OK.

But anyways, I've replayed this in my head a number of times, never satisfied with my response. Would be interested in hearing your thoughts. I feel like I need to be more prepared next time, for Firefly's sake.